


Tender is the night for a broken heart

by Sol_Koroleva



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Death trope ruined my life, F/M, Healing, Heavy Angst, I’m sorry, Mental Health Issues, Post-A Court of Frost and Starlight, post acofas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:22:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23912992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sol_Koroleva/pseuds/Sol_Koroleva
Summary: She had watched him fall once already.She remembers standing on that hill, helpless. She remembers the feeling of pure terror and devastation as she watched his knees hitting the ground. Felt as if she was the one who was so close to death.For months she pretended that it didn’t affect her in any way.
Relationships: Feyre Archeron/Rhysand, Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Tender is the night for a broken heart

**Author's Note:**

> Quarantine works hard but my mind works harder so I decided to write this one-shot. I love angst,what can I say. I can’t wait to read the nessian novella, and I would never want Cassian to die, he is one of my favorite characters. This is just one of my crazy ideas. English is not my first language so if I made any typos, I’m sorry. Hope you enjoy, and please leave some feedback ❤️

She had watched him fall once already.  
She remembers standing on that hill, helpless. She remembers the feeling of pure terror and devastation as she watched his knees hitting the ground. Felt as if she was the one who was so close to death.  
For months she pretended that it didn’t affect her in any way.

The weather in Illyria couldn’t be any worse for a training, Nesta thought as she was trying not to shiver whilst walking towards the training area. It was months since her youngest sister sent her here to train, to get better. Nesta was furious at first, then after long weeks of consideration she decided to try. She never wanted to be called a coward, before war and after. Although it did not mean that she began training with a smile on her face. No, as proud as she was, she made sure that training her would be a difficult thing to do. And of course it had to be him who took training her upon himself.

And so she began her training and in a few months she finally felt something waking up inside her. It was as if she had woken up after a long slumber. She realized how weak she became, how helpless she allowed herself to remain for months. He took advantage of that and made sure that she became aware of the fact that she had been walking towards death step by step, every day and that sending her to Illyria was the only way of trying to save her from the despair she was in. 

‘ ‘He is not back yet. ’’ Devlon said when she arrived at the training ring and he once again saw the question in her eyes. She didn’t have to say anything. Somehow they all knew what was going on. Deep down she knew, too. Nesta kept pushing him out of her life, but he never stopped trying to get to her. She ignored Devlon and proceed with her training until exhaustion nearly swept her off her feet. She went back to the house she was sharing with him with only one question on her mind.

It was one of those nights when she couldn’t fall asleep. When there were too many thoughts invading her mind. Many questions, mostly what ifs surrounding her until she couldn’t breathe.  
He had been gone for a week already and she never received any word from him. The conflict with Illyrians grew stronger and stronger with each day. And it all led to the uprising in the north of The Night Court.  
Nesta gathered information mostly from the women in their camp. They said that even the High Lord left Velaris and joined forces in fighting those, who dared to try overthrow him. Of course the Commander left too. Nesta remembered the day he left too well. She was training with him when one of the illyrian warriors came to deliver an important message.  
‘‘I will be back soon, sweetheart. Keep training.” and with that he left to speak with the male.  
So she kept training.  
Little did she know that it was going to be the last time when she saw him.

She shifted on her bed once again. Nesta was used to the lack of sleep, but it got better in the last months. Old Nesta would sneer at the idea that she, in fact, got better. Old Nesta would still treat her youngest sister poorly and with hatred, being too full of pride to admit her sins. Old Nesta was too scared to face Feyre and tell her everything. But this Nesta knew that the moment when she explains everything to her sister was coming soon. And she was finally ready. She used to think that feelings were a poison. And so she was trying to escape every emotion, until she stopped feeling at all. She lost herself in the dark abyss that was full of grief and rage. She kept running from the feelings, but mostly she kept running from the bond. At first it was nothing more but Fae bullshit for her. She saw her sister falling for the Lord of Night, could see the depth of the love they felt towards each other. And Nesta was jealous.  
For how long did she want to belong, for someone to care enough? To share the burden she walked with her entire life? Someone who could understand, and stay. She saw all of that when she looked at Rhysand and Feyre. She didn’t like the fact that it was the universe,or the Mother, or someone else choosing someone for you. Because Nesta always wanted to at least have a word in that matter, since she never had a choice in her life she wanted to choose who she loves. 

She was full of rage when she heard ‘‘You’re my mate.” coming out of the Fox boy’s mouth that day in Hybern. Not only because someone decided on Elain’s fate, but also because Nesta came to the realization that she was being left alone. That no one cared anymore, and that she no longer had her sweet sister, because her mate would soon sweep Elain off her feet and she will never see her again. 

How blind she was. How uncaring, putting her own well-being instead of Elain’s happiness. Nesta felt nothing but hatred towards herself. When she disappeared under the waters of the Cauldron, she heard only a silent male voice, full of pain, saying her name. 

It took her long enough to realize that in the end, there was someone who cared for her enough to risk his own life. Standing before the King of Hybern and covering Cassian with her body was the least she could do. Because she wanted to care for someone,too. That’s when the bond clicked and she was full of rage and despair. Was the universe making fun of her for giving her a mate only when they were both going to die?

And when she saw her father dying, something inside her broke. She felt she was never going to be the same. And she didn’t want anyone to see her like this and to share what she felt. She didn’t want to be a burden, not anymore. She saw his pain and anguish every time he extended his hand towards her. It physically hurt her, seeing his eyes, full of pain. And so she decided to try to forget him, and what was between them. She didn’t remember the names of the males she shared a bed with. None of them were him. For her, there was only one name she cared for, and that never changed.

Nesta was furious with Feyre when she heard that she is to leave with Cassian to the Illyrian Camps. Her worst dream came true. She would not be able to keep him from her anymore. She would see his face every day, and she would never be able to forget. Their first days at he camp were a nightmare. For both of them. She refused to do anything. He refused to let go. So they were at battle for two weeks until she had one of her dreams again, where she would fall into the Cauldron like that day at Hybern, only this time he was holding her hand. Fighting for her. And so she decided to fight for him too, had she seen the sorrow in his eyes every time she refused.

If she were to look back at her old self, she would not recognize that woman. Now, although her old demons would haunt her from time to time, she was different. She felt alive for the first time in years. She and Cassian still kept bickering, driving each other mad. She knew that he was aware of the bond, maybe he knew about its existence long before she did. But she did not want accept the bond until she was fully recovered. And now Nesta felt like she was finally ready. 

Now, as she was laying in her bed, she realized how much she missed him. His smile, when she tried to throw him to the ground as they trained together, his calm voice when he was encouraging her to keep pushing. She remembered those things as she finally fell asleep.

She woke up at dawn. As she went to the kitchen to make herself tea, she could hear heavy rain drumming on the roof. Her heart was beating extremely fast. Something felt wrong. She could smell it in the air, she felt it in her bones. She quickly drank her tea and left the house for training.

In her time at the camp she made a few friends with the illyrian women. They were passionate, strong and everything Nesta wished to be in the future. She was learning from them and in time she surronded herself with real friends. As she was making her way towards the rink, adjusting her leathers, she could feel everyone’s eyes on her. Ereneda, the tall woman with long, black hair and green eyes came up to Nesta. She was the first person that Nesta truly trusted. They shared their pain, and understood each other in every way. Ereneda’s parents disappeared one day when the girl was 5 years old, leaving her and her twin sister, Larissa and never came back. She had to learn how to survive in this brutal, cold place, full of territorial males, who tried to show her and her sister where their place is. The sisters never let them and they became warriors. Ereneda and Larissa were one of the few women in the army who fought in the war against Hybern. To say that Nesta admired them, would be an understatement. And seeing the sisters, she wished she had what they have with Elain and Feyre.  
Nesta frowned ar Ereneda as she spotted more people looking at her. ‘‘Why is everyone staring at me like I killed someone?’’ she asked, as she turned her head around. Then Larissa grabbed her hand, and squeezed it. ‘‘Nesta, I’m so sorry.” she said, with sorrow in her eyes. Nesta once again frowned, not knowing what is happening. ‘‘ Why would you be, Larissa? Explain.’’ she demanded, the feeling of panic rising in her.  
Ereneda, always the talker said ‘‘They came back.”  
Nesta sighed with relief and made a move to run straight back to the house near the forest, when Ereneda grabbed her both hands. ‘‘ He did not.”  
The world stopped and Nesta could not feel the ground beneath her feet anymore. She only breathed ‘‘What are you saying, it cannot be true.’’  
‘‘Someone shot him with three poisoned arrows. Two in the wings and one in the chest...”  
Nesta felt like she was dying. ‘‘No, it’s not true.” Cassian fought in many battles, and he never lost. Nothing could bring him down. Especially not three poisoned arrows. She couldn’t breathe.  
Larissa hugged Nesta, whose face was wet with tears. She grabbed her shoulders and hugged her. Everyone were staring at them, some with tears in their eyes upon seeing the pain on Nesta’s face. Her world fell apart and all she could hear was No,no,no in her mind. 

Suddenly every head turned towards the one place where shadows appeared. There, barely on their feet, stood The High Lord and the Spymaster. They both looked as if death was going to take them too, but all she could see was strong, large body they held. Not moving. Before she could think, her knees hit the mud and she screamed. Then Rhysand was in front of her, and she stood up in a second, and grasping his fighting leathers said‘‘ Please don’t tell me he’s gone...”  
There was only pain on the High Lord’s face as he shook his head, and with tears falling down his cheeks whispered ‘‘I’m sorry, Nesta.”

His body was moved to a secured place. He looked peaceful, almost like he was sleeping. After hours of screaming and weeping, she went there to see him one last time. She felt like someone ripped her heart out of her chest. She felt like all the good in the world was gone. She felt empty.  
She touched his cold cheek and closed her eyes. ‘‘ I never said it back.” she said into the darkness of the room. ‘‘I never said it back, and it will always be my biggest regret. That I waited until I felt worthy of you, but I was too late. Know that I never loved anyone the way I love you.” She felt numb, but not the way she felt after the war. She felt like half of her was gone. Like she was breathing, but could never feel the air in her lungs. ‘‘You taught me to fight, and I will. For you. And when my time comes, I will find you, wherever you are, Cassian. My mate.” she said, as she kissed his cold forehead, and her tears fell down to his face. She knew that she will never be the same. But at least she could fight for the same sake as he did for all these years, long before her. She could still dream.

As she winnowed to Velaris, back to her sisters, the first thing she heard was the laughter of the children playing on the street. She looked towards the Riverside estate, where she could see both her sisters on the porch. They met and stayed in a tight embrace for what felt like hours, tears on each of their faces. Nesta could feel their shared pain, the loss and grief. And love shining between them.

Tender is the night for a broken heart.


End file.
